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Welcome My name is Tess. I'm a 9-5 New Yorker and traveler. My hobbies include destroying suitcases, photo-bombing tourists in Times Square, and taking long romantic ADHD walks around the globe. Welcome!

Aug 24, 2012

I Fink Your Freaky and I Like You A Lot



So if you stand still for too long in Times Square someone is bound to ask if you will take a photo for them.  Which is cool because it gives me the opportunity to ask travelers "So how do you like New York City!?"

what conversation took place between him and his barber before this

The answers are endless ranging from "It smells" to "I want to die here" Once I was even told, "I came here to have my baby" (literally folks she was pregnant) But the number one reason given to me by travelers is....
"Because it's New York" 

Therefore when  someone (Non-American ) asked me how I felt about New York, a plethora of politically correct answers came to mind. But what came out was "Because in New York you can be who you want to be 25 hours a day 8 days a week.

In his defense when I first noticed "Bikini man" several months ago in Times Square
he was wearing a leisure suit and riding this bike.  I don't know what happened, but I can tell you that this is not the only bikini he owns now.  Maybe he was just smoking with this dude......

Earning money for recreational activities is a breeze.
Getting your friends, who also partake in your cipher, to keep their clothes on is the tricky part .

I mean where else can you see Mormons and pum-pum shorts walking side-by-side? Let's face it, New York is not in any danger of losing its cultural diversity. Not only is it encouraged, we pride ourselves on freedom of expression.  

Jews, Gentiles, Mormons, and the damned, we all share an equal love for flip-flops!  

NYC is home to more than 60 film and television productions many of which you can attend for free. And we have over a dozen Disney characters roaming the streets throughout the day. 

She is not the Disney character I was referring to, but she will do.

Ah yes, Tiger flanked by Minnie 

Nikki Minaj extremists

Mermaid Ave in Brooklyn's Coney Island

I mean doesn't every state have pirates and Greek gods travelling by subway? How else are you going to find a date in New York!  Other options are simply becoming the person you want to be with.  Yes, dressing in drag takes all the guess work out of the question of: "What are you looking for in a woman?" 

Where the guys look better as girls than the girls look as girls - did you get that?

 Sojust to reiterate my point, go ahead and be who you want to be in New York - we won't judge you!  But don't come crying to us in the 25th hour when you look like this.... 

.. So get your sh*t together ok - becasue you asked for this! Or stay the
fugg outta this city if you can't hang homie!

Aug 21, 2012

Ballers, Big Mouths and Makeovers?

New York Knicks Amar’e Stoudemire makes his rounds in New York 

I  hope the way Amare effortlessly spins that ball is some indication of the new moves veteran player Hakeem Olajuwon taught him out on Hakeem's ranch in Katy, Tex.  Although we're looking forward to Amare having a better season, he came to NYC to promote his new children's book “STAT: Home Court. The book is geared towards teaching children about handling bullies using your wits..

And speaking of bullies........

Wendy Williams

Yea, well, she's not such a bully. Perhaps motherhood, age and the improved quality of lace-front wigs has softened this radio and TV personality who is famous for her big-mouthed tell-all personality. No matter Wendy, you've kept it real with us and we'll continue to support you and those midgets that you're smuggling in your dress. - you are my friend in my head.

 And let's not not forget the Chris Powell, fitness expert and the trainer on NBC Extreme Makeover
helped Jervez Hall "Bring sexy back" by shedding 280 pounds.  The fact that Chris is extremely easy on the eyes, is an extreme motivator. Who wouldn't do squats for that smile?

Chris Powell flashes his expert smile.

Robin, Chris and Jervez

Aug 14, 2012

All In A Day's Work?

I walk 10 ten blocks to work everyday. Regardless of the weather.  I do this in order to offset the potential damage to my figure from sitting on my ass all fuggin day. 

I'm no health fanatic, I just have no money to buy the next dress size up or to spend on a gym membership that i will never use.  But the real truth is that my self diagnosed ADHD would wreak pure havoc on me and scare the sh*t out of my coworkers if I didn't exercise off this manic energy. 

Cue the New York City streets - There is typically so much activity on my route that I am completely calm by the time I hit my cubicle -  no meds necessary. And here's why.

I might miss three time Olympic Gold medal winner Misty-May Treanor
showing off her bling for me.

 I mean where else can I see three time Olympic Gold medalists strolling the street of NYC looking flawless before 8a.m?  And of course the teenage dream-team. I imagine they go back to highschool and say things like,  "Yeah but did you win an Olympic gold medal over the summer, becasue I did bishes!"   

The American Gymnastic teen-age dream team.
  The eldest member is only 18yrs old. 

And if that's not enough for you. Then I'll just get my side burns trimmed by  celebrity stylist Tabitha Coffey, while she curses me out about just how fuggin filthy American hair salons are?

 Australian hairstylist, salon owner, and television personality Tabitha Coffey
 takes her skills to the streets of NYC

Or Robert Pattison talking about cereal and unfaithful girlfriends
 during a morning interview?

And if if you're still not impressed, well dammit, might I add that we shut streets down so that woman in scantily clad bathing suits  can dance with santa-fugging-claus! That's right kids we've got Christmas, in the summer, in New York City!

 Soooo what!  No one really cares that it's the middle of August and Santa Claus has on that hot azz suit in 85 degree weather. When you are one of the baddest cities on the planet you set trends you don't follow them. Hell, you can even make it snow!  Yes, that is snow blowing off the top of Radio City Music Hall.

Santa Claus flanked by the world famous rockette on 6th Ave.
And they manage to whip up some Santa hats for about 40 school kids? Damn we got juice sohn! 

  So while I sometimes get nauseous and enraged at the amount of tourists that I must elbow through, (and sometimes gut punch). Add that to the number of homeless people and city workers that I step over. Plus the thousands of people & moving traffic I dodge through daily, en route to work. And I can tell you that  New York city streets, at times, really is the best medicine

Aug 5, 2012

Where The Hell Is New York Going?

If what you see is a man that infuriates you because he makes tax free money by hustling tourists -
then you are probably an overworked New Yorker that needs a vacation.

.....Yes comfortable yet unpretentious.

These are two words that you never...ever....ever hear used to describe The Empire State. And that's likely at the core of why so many tourists flood New York City streets on holiday, while  residents flee to anyplace that is the total opposite of New York.

So New York, where the hell do you go for vacation?

Times Sq. - All packed up and no where to go?
Many Nyers begin to feel this way and opt for short trips outside of New York for a much needed change of scenery

CBS news reported that between 2000-2010 NYC lost more than 3.4 million residents due largely to tax inflation. And many of them moved to Florida. But how many of those people were just disenfranchised New Yorkers who'd had enough of swinging on vines in the concrete jungle?
One wonders, could this mass exodus have been avoided by simply traveling more for vacation?

Escape to Central Park.
A green space where New York goes to connect with nature and like it or not
with thousands of other NYers.

Readers know that I move mountains to flee New York for vacation. And I dont even live here! This city is ratchet. Therefore any opportunity to temporarily change your surroundings should be taken very seriously.  Even as a 9-5er, NYC is a continuous sensory overload.  It's a circus where you begin to feel like an underpaid clown jumping out of a Volks Wagon Beetle (aka commuter transit buses and trains)
 Need to pass out? Don't care who's watching? 
You know it's time to go, when parks become vacation destinations.
I hope he doesn't leave with anything he didn't come with, and everything he did come with will hopefully still be there.

But again I live in the suburbs where i enjoy a yard full of various birds that come to snack on the unidentified berry tree in the yard and various woodland creatures roam the bushes amidst the cry of crickets. A city where silence is sound and the neighbors invite you over for chili and a dip in their pool. Where grass and trees are not limited solely to dedicated green spaces. And the taxes are considerably lower.  Yea I like that ish.

Leaving the nest
Baby Red-breasted Robin in the yard out for a flying lesson.
I nearly got pecked to death by his mother and for good reason.

Could it be the limited 14 day vacations. or is it the $1500 in rent? Figure if you make $50k taxed at around 22% (or whatever they drain your for in NY) plus the daily cost of living in NY and you can pretty much conclude that New York is broke.

Interestingly, an Internet search of  New York travel agencies returned more than 2000 results. There are even specialty agencies geared for students, back-packers, luxury and LGBT travelers. Want an agency that specializes in Asian meditations retreats, or babymoon destinations for expecting parents or perhaps Safaris in Botswana - well we got that!  And with so many agencies willing to work within almost any budget, again one begins to wonder:

 "Where the hell is New York  going on vacation?"

I tried over a dozen combos of that phrase on an Internet search and you know what i found? Nothing!
Every returned search was an advisory of what travelers to New York should do. But nothing on where the city residents go to relax and recoup. I know they vacate. You have to or you might end up looking like this and working at Ripley's Believe It Or Not on 42cd street.

What a nice guy he allowed me to take his pic.
But then again when you look like this i guess this kind of request is normal?

Yes living and/or working here can make you do strange things. It will have you in purple velvet sweat pants and a dinner jacket doing the "I need a vacation dance" like this...

Hell, you might begin seeing strange illusions, like men parading around in their tighty-whiteys with cowboy hats and holding paper dolls.  I mean sh*t can get wild here.  Eventually, you stop wondering if you're mind is playing tricks on you and just accept that you've become a character in a never ending version of The Greatest Show on Earth.

The naked cowboy shows a Flat Stanley how he gets all the ladies

If you become enraged instead of fascinated at the sight of celebrity athletes doing a cookie promo during a news segment, because the gathering crowd slows down your commute to a cubicle at 8 in the morning. Then you probably  need to find a travel agent.......

Venus Williams and Shaquile O'Neal makes chomping on cookies with unidentifiable
cream more interesting...but it still ain't healthful.

.....And please find one fast before you become a statistic.