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Welcome My name is Tess. I'm a 9-5 New Yorker and traveler. My hobbies include destroying suitcases, photo-bombing tourists in Times Square, and taking long romantic ADHD walks around the globe. Welcome!

Oct 29, 2012

Dear Coney Island - Mermaid Memories

New Orleans may have Mardi Gras but Brooklyn's got Mermaids?

 Once a year, hundreds of thousands of people pour out of the Stillwell Ave subway station in Brooklyn New York, and turn Coney Islnad's shoreline into a cross between the cast of The Little Mermaid and Ru Paul's Drag Race. This is how Coney Island has celebrated the beginning of the Summer season, since 1983.

Not only was Coney Island, at one point, an actual island. But it was also considered a major resort destination. It was kinda like the "Hamptons" of the early 20th century but within an amusement park. However, this ain't the Coney Isle of yore. It has changed quite a bit over the years, still it manages to sparkle - in one way or another.

Dear Coney Island - A few months ago, I washed ashore from being abducted by your queer Mer-People, during the annual Mermaid Parade.. And I am forever changed. And by "changed" I mean slightly traumatized. I don't know exactly how long I was gone for but I resurfaced
with nipple pasties

I've never seen a Japanese- Geisha Mermaid.
But then again I've never seen a 4-legged starfish...well actually
 he does have one more leg....wait wait is he a Seahorse?  I'm so confused

However, before I lost all consciousness, I recalled Surf Avenue was swamped with sailors, sirens and thousands of painted bodies dripped in sequins, glitter, gold and of course, nipple pasties.
 Hell, after a few drinks, I'm sure I also saw Puff the magic dragon, the Loc Ness monster and Popeye.


Like many of you, I was thinking; This must be a pretty amazing beach, if there is a parade in it's honor right?  But, Oh Coney, you're riddled with dilapidated rides, mediocre beaches and a boardwalk that makes the Jersey Shore look classy.

Add to that, water which looks like the run-off from the spin cycle against the back drop of tenament buildings. I mean I wasn't expecting  a Caribbean shore line but I guess I figured mermaid's had higher standards. Still, even way beyond prime, you are still so dear to the hearts of many Brooklynites.

Dear Coney Island - you take this costume sh*t very seriously.  I've been to the Village Parade on Halloween in New York and I've seen some pretty creative stuff.  But given the warm weather and the theme of this parade, there seemed to be  a severe lack of actual material for these costumes. There was however, no lack of imagination.

Dear Coney Island - the availability of alcohol on your boardwalk made it that much easier to observe some of the more scary sketchy characters. Unfortunately kids can't drink, so many of them just crouched down, low, in fear. Which is what I did until I found Corona's and cotton candy.

Dear Coney Island - Who released the queer Kraken?  Like this gent, there was no shortage of awe-inspiring costumes,  as an array of colorful characters sashayed down the planks. I even considered where I could purchase a few of the outfits I saw...and then eventually, I stopped drinking.

Dear Coney Island - I saw pirates, crustaceans, colonial women and women who were just plain ole topless - which is legal in New York.   But can you please explain to me: What does Jesus have to do with this?  I'm just saying, not that the son of God isn't welcome at all occasions.  But unless he is here to turn beach water into wine, then I think this borders sacrilege.

Dear Coney Island - Ever feel like the odd man out? Well i did!  Because nobody told me to me that the dress code was "half naked." I was so overdressed in jeans and a T-shirt. But seeing all this skin just made me want to get butt-ass-naked, strip the scales off a fish and drape myself in seaweed, seashells and a spanx body suit.

 Dear Coney Island -What I like about your Mermaid-mardi gras is that everyone and anyone could strut in your parade - they just need to register. Doesn't matter if they are from Brooklyn or beyond. There is also contest for best costume.  I imagine first prize would be two tickets to much nicer beach? Jus' sayin

Dear Coney Island - Yes the Mer-people were nice folks. They treated me well enough that i would return and stuff my face with boardwalk food while gawking at the participants who didn't seem to mind one bit, my open mouthed staring.

Would I participate? I love themed festivals, and I can tell you that I certainly wouldn't rule it out. And considering mermaids live for about 300 years, I've got plenty of time to think about my costume.
Well kids, I've still got some sand and seaweed in my crotch to rinse out. So, thanks for joining me! And now.... look at the rest of the damn pics!

Mermaids have families too

Dear Coney Island - I don't know who "knocked up" this mermaid.
But I think she came on shore looking for child support





Oct 11, 2012

They See Me Rollin......

Summer is officially over, but that doesn't mean the end of outdoor activities.

Did you know that many New Yorkers never actually take advantage of the plethora of  activities in their own backyard? While many locals may be shaking their heads in disagreement. Just know I'm not talking about throwing away $300 on bottle service at some stuffy night club. I'm talking about real activities folks. And for a really good price.

So me and my PIC (partner in crime) Baby G, always comment that one day, we will rent bikes  from those guys who advertise on the corners of 59th & 6th ave. So that we can ride around New York's famous Central Park.

The guys at Sayat Bicycle rented us bikes with baskets, helmets and bike locks included.
Did I mention they posed for this pic?

With the help of discount coupons from Living Social.com, we were able to rent two bikes for two hours at grand total of $30USD, which is outrageously well-priced for anything New York! Don't worry if your are sans a coupon, because you can still negotiate the same price - just ask them.

 Central Park, now sprawls over 843 acres of green space, and it is a national historic landmark. Amongst it's many perks, it includes a zoo,  performance spaces, athletic fields, playgrounds, skating rinks, swimming pools, a carousel and of course the bike trail full of muscles spandex and skin skin skin!

The bike trail begins at 59th street and Columbus circle and extends beyond 110th street. The trail is semi challenging, but so very scenic.   Determined to get nowhere fast, me and Baby G, raced around the park like maniacs, knocking over runners, small children and having several  near death experiences with the oncoming traffic within the park. If you haven't been on a bike in a while getting reacquainted is more fun when the chances of mangling yourself are high!

Taking in the views. 
The price of  just one of those apartments overlooking the park could probably
subsidize the cost of educating a small country for several generations  

Beyond it's beauty, this park has history. Did you know that prior to Central Park's completion in 1873,  it was originally home to some 1600 people, mostly poor Irish and English residents, as well as freed African Americans living in makeshift villages
However, after declaring eminent domain over the space, in 1857, and evicting those folks, the city purchased the land for $5M. Sounds like a lot of money right? But consider the fact that a  humble penthouse in midtown can start at that price. So I'm  thinking $5M for 700 acres ain't bad for New York.  

We peddled past quite a few hansom carriages as they are plentiful in the park
...and expensive

In addition to that during the construction of the park, more than 18,500 cubic yards of  New Jersey topsoil had to be imported into the park because, New York soil wasn't fertile enough to nourish the floral and fauna that was also brought to the park.  So to all you New Yorkers who say you could NEVER live in New Jersey, surprise! You already do! and you're reveling in their shit soil with every park visit! Cheers!

At $30 for 30 minutes You can take a gondola ride around central park's  ponds 

So,  After Baby G and I got the spastic cycling out of our systems, we actually slowed down for the next hour or so to take in the views and travel of the beaten path.

You are not required to stay within the park so you can get adventurous.  Stop at the Metropolitan Museum of Natural History or heckle the people who unscrupulously make-out on the lawn.  Or perhaps you just want to crash a nearby bar for happy hour.  Go for it! They provide bike locks with the bike rental and helmets for all you derelicts who like to drink and bike! 

Happy Trails!

Oct 8, 2012

Cut The Crap View the Pics

I traverse these streets daily, and still cannot believe some the outrageous things I see.  Some of you may be asking yourselves, Where do you find these people?" The answer is, they find me.

Sometimes I just want grab tourists by their long lens cameras and say,  "This is not what New York is about!"  But proving it can be a challenge because these brights lights can blind just about anyone.

But if you see these people,  Do-Not-Pay-For-A-Photo!  Grab your daughters and tell them that this is what happens when you drop out of school to chase pipe dreams or to follow fledgling musicians.

Naked never looked so shocking
Move over Naked Cowboy, because Geriatric Cowgirl is gaining popularity. Some of you may be disgusted, while others may be intrigued. It's all in the details, and by that I mean the pasties! Who am I to judge I'm just sharing folks. Gawd I'd hate to see what's under those hearts.

Side bar>>>Is it me, or do these two ladies bare a striking resemblence

I really don't know what the fugg Arnold Schwarzenegro does. But he is always shirtless and doing it! When asked, "What is it that you do?" He smiled then flexed his pecs.  Guess that means he's for hire as a prostitute personal trainer?

Calvin Klein, the original loincloth of Native Americans. 

In addition to small pox and the bubonic plague, who knows what else the white settlers may have given the Native Americans.  I can't prove it, because I wasn't there, but I'm almost certain that tighty-whiteys and dress socks were not on that list...I'm jus'sayin

Fried, dyed, and laid to the Side.

James brown is rolling in his grave right now. Listen this look barely worked for the godgather of soul, and he was a super-fuggin-star.

The 70s' called and Jimi Hendrix wants his Easter suit back!
This is the reason why dress-down fridays are being revoked all over corporate America! Becasue some people take things to far. He spent all his money on a new suit and now he's spending all his time looking for a new job.